Knots and Trowels

After the last post about procrastination, it is only natural that this post is a day late…

Reality TV has given us baking competitions, survival challenges, and enough restoration programs to make anyone believe they can DIY. But what if there was a show for us? A show where contestants battle against the elements, academic bureaucracy, and their own caffeine dependency? Welcome to Dig or Die, the only competition where the real prize is surviving with your sanity intact.

The Premise

Ten archaeologists (and one rogue historian who still thinks this is about treasure) compete in weekly challenges designed to test their excavation skills, theoretical knowledge, and ability to navigate the labyrinth that is grant applications. Only one will emerge victorious. The rest? Condemned to a life of endless paperwork and explaining that, no, we don’t study dinosaurs.

Meet the Contestants

Trench Tim – Loves digging, hates paperwork. Last seen covered in mud and arguing with a stratigraphy diagram.

Trowel Tom – Thinks he’s Indiana Jones but has yet to complete a single context sheet correctly. Owns more hats than excavation notes.

Brush Bethany – The perfectionist who can spend three hours carefully cleaning a single artifact. Will fight anyone who suggests using a trowel near delicate material.

Survey Samantha – Speaks fluent GIS and has an emotional attachment to their total station. Has threatened to quit the show twice because ‘the geophys doesn’t lie.’

Post-Grad Peter – Running on a diet of instant coffee and sheer determination. Their thesis topic is a mystery, even to them.

Dr. Stratigraphy – The no-nonsense professor who can identify soil layers at a glance but still can’t figure out PowerPoint.

The Challenges

Each week, contestants must prove their archaeological powers (or at least their ability to look convincing).

Week 1: The Speed Dig

Excavate a 1x1m trench as quickly as possible… without breaking a single artefact. Bonus points for finding a posthole no one else can see. SPOILERS: several artefacts were broken

Week 2: Paperwork Pandemonium

A true test of endurance – filling out context sheets correctly and with legible handwriting. The real challenge? Doing it before the sun sets.

Week 3: The Typology Test

Contestants must identify pottery fragments using nothing but their knowledge and a vague gut feeling. Extra credit for confidently declaring, ‘Definitely Roman,’ even when it’s clearly Victorian.

Week 4: The Post-Ex Work Labyrinth

The challenge is simple: process, label, and analyse finds before the clock runs out. The punishment for failure? A never-ending pile of bone fragments to wash that always seem to crumble.

Final Challenge – The Ultimate Dig-Off

A high-pressure excavation where everything is at stake: reputation, bragging rights, and the chance to avoid a lifetime of grant rejection emails.

The Drama Unfolds

A geophysics plot reveals a mysterious anomaly… which turns out to be modern pipework.

Someone loses their trowel, leading to a full-blown existential crisis.

A heated debate erupts over whether an artifact is Neolithic or just really old rubbish.

A surprise funding cut forces contestants to complete their dig using only spoons and optimism.

The Prize

The winner earns the prestigious title of Ultimate Archaeologist—and, more importantly, bragging rights. There’s no monetary prizes here! It is archaeology after all!

Would you watch Dig or Die? More importantly, would you survive it? I 100% wouldn’t.